You're Going Deeper Now
by doxthextimexwarp
Summary: "You can silence the world, but you can't silence you." A look into the inner turmoil of the early Hanna. Because even though "you can darken the world, you still see you." ONE-SHOT.


_I originally wrote this with Ivy from 90210 in mind. But then I had difficulties with fanfiction with the uploading and so I had to delete it and reupload it multiple times. After horrible results of it still not being able to be seen, I took it down. And now, later, I thought I'd see just how good my writing skills are and switch up the characters to make it more "them." However, I still hope the underlying emotions and tensions are still present that they still captivate you._

_So, now, I present to you the rewrite featuring Hanna of Pretty Little Liars. This is the earlier version of her, hence why she's not with Sean at the present and other details. I never read the books (nor do I own any of PLL), so some of it is definitely going to be Author-variant._

_Without further pause, I give you..._

**You're Going Deeper Now**

No one suspects.

No one knows.

She sits with the guys at lunch and stuffs chili cheese fries down her throat. She smiles, laughs at a few crude jokes, and then smacks Brian's arm like a fellow "chum."

Because that's all she is to the guys...Well, more specifically the guy she has a crush on- she's Sean's "chum."

But when she excuses herself moments later, entering into the real of all sacred girl-hood, she's now as "stereotypical woman" as it gets.

She sticks two fingers down her throat, shuffles them at the back of her throat until it burns and she gags.

It's metaphorical, really. This whole force down, then force up. Then again. And again. It's a recycled pattern that never gets old. Her father wanted her, then threw her out. He needed her, then got rid of her. But let's be clear: he _wanted _her as an excuse to get out of the company picnic when she was younger. Only to be left in a hotel room on the outskirts of town when he was in the adjacent room, door locked and bolted, with another woman. Hanna had _wanted _to spend time with him and bond over corn dogs on the boardwalk, but instead she was left calling her mother to come pick her up since she couldn't sleep with the constant impact of bed to wall. And then when her father and mother finally got a divorce, after all of the messy paperwork...he _needed _her to attract a few "chicks" as he called it. He would pick out an innocent woman on the boardwalk, curvaceous and blond. Young Ivy would stroll past and (as her father instructed) "stop, gasp, and quickly point out that her dress was 'hot!'" Then Hanna would listen as the woman would gab, then ask where her mother was to which Hanna would point at her dad (who was coming up the sidewalk, strawberry ice cream cone in hand for Hanna's "job well done"). Hanna _needed _him to ask her out for dinner to talk instead of him asking out another unidentified woman.

He was around women all the time. Of all different shapes, sizes, colors...But it was superficial- he only saw their surface...

So Hanna still had a hard time attempting to figure out why it was so hard for her father to see her as an actual female instead of his little "champ."

_Strawberries are round, red, and plump. The epitome of sex. _

_No one sees you that way, you boy._

It's the 10 year old version of Hanna that connects her boyish figure to that as fat.

Her mother's with another business client, a fellow banker, a woman who's thin with curves. She's petite with wavy blond hair and fire red nails. She has a powerful voice to match. She watches as her mother puts a hand on the woman's shoulder and lightly draws her thumb along it. She slowly continues this until the woman breaks the peace, "Is that your son? He's adorable!"

Her mother turns to her giving a slight chuckle. "No, Melanie," she says with a slight smile. She releases her hand from Melanie's shoulder and crosses her arms. "This is my daughter, Hanna. She just hasn't gotten her curves, yet."

"Oh," replies Melanie. "Perhaps I can recommend a diet pill?"

Her mother gently rolls her eyes. And with a teasing smile, draws Melanie in with an arm around her shoulder. "Perhaps we should continue this discussion in my back office."

As she watches her mother and Melanie move past her and towards the back of her house, the only resonating fact of the whole conversation was that her mother hadn't said no to Melanie's suggestion of dieting.

She hadn't said no.

_And every time you do this, it's you're body saying YES!_

_YES! to thin._

_YES! to being loved._

_You'll be loved, Hanna, if you're thin and pretty like a woman._

She exits the bathroom with a cool mint in her mouth. Her right hand is still shaking slightly and so she shoves it in her jeans pocket. Her head low and eyes fixated on the ground, she only looks away when she hears, "Oh, Hanna! There you are!" It's Alison. She's the only girl with a soprano voice, besides her mother, who will actually talk to her. "I'm in need of your help in order to impress this hot lifeguard I saw at the lake yesterday. Any chance you're in for going there with me? I need you to make sure I remain fabulous." Ali speedily asks her, marked with a wink at the end.

Hanna tugs at the bottom of her blue shirt, then (attemptingly) nonchalantly sticks her right hand on her hip. "Yeah, I guess I could help you," Hanna replies with a smile.

"Great! See you at the lake tomorrow after school!" And with that Alison twirls on her heels and starts heading towards the outside patio when she turns her head, "Oh! And Hanna," she says, eyes narrowing at Hanna's stomach. She puts two arms across her chest in a failed attempt to hide herself. "Put a sweater on, preferrably pink. You know you don't look good in blue." And with that, she suanters off into the arms of Sean.

She knows Ali is just being a good friend; telling her what she needs to hear.

She so desperately wants what Ali has.

And Ali was basically a walking clone of a teen Victoria's Secret Angel.

_A Victoria's Secret Angel is never denied._

_A Victoria's Secret Angel is perfect._

_Don't you want to be wanted?_

It's the 12 year old Hanna that starts to figure out that it's important to be a "woman." Because if you're really feminine, people will want you. It's simple logic: her father liked "girly girls," so why shouldn't he like her if she became one? Her mother was always bringing around Melanie and a few other females to bond with. And they were always dressed in floral dresses, black heels, and perfectly stylized hair. So why shouldn't her mother like her if she became one?

So she puts on her nicest black dress and borrows her mother's red lipstick.

Her father greets her by telling her she "looks ridiculous" and "this isn't the best outfit for when we go to the boardwalk." Her mother chimes in, for once agreeing with him, "Go change, Hanna. And red isn't your color."

But that's okay. This was just her first attempt at being girly- she'll be better.

They'll love her soon.

And besides, they hadn't mentioned the word "fat" nor had her father called her "champ."

_You'll reach a new low, and you'll be a winner._

_You could finally win, Hanna._

Her boyish figure left her without hips.

Her boyfish figure left her gaining weight on her stomach.

She couldn't add curves.

She just had to lose it all. All the weight. All the fat.

Because once you get to the core, to the bone, she'll have the perfect body. Because it's scientific: the skeleton has natural curves.

_I can show you pain._

_I can show you hurt._

_I can't show you pride._

_I can't show you joy._

She's in jeans and a pink sweatshirt covering herself as she sits in the beach chair waiting for Ali when she pops up beside her in a yellow bikini and pink shorts. "Hey," she says with a smile as she pulls her sunshades over her eyes. "I was thinking that we could take this slow. Give him a little show. So continue to lay there for a while so he'll have someone to compare me to. And when he sees how I'm better than the other girls, he'll want me. Perfect plan, right?"

Hanna's smile covers her hurt. Ali's her only friend after all.

"Sure," Hanna says as she puts her large shades on to cover her glistening eyes. "It's whatever you want."

_Because when you're thin and beautiful you get everything you want._

_You get everything you want._

Ali didn't have to put on a show. Twenty minutes after taking off her shorts and lounging out on the beach, the lifeguard ran up and offered to put suntan lotion on her. And with that, the two were off and heading toward the parking lot as he finished his shift.

Hanna was left alone again and so instead of having everyone watch her on shore, she walked out to the lake. Pulling off her jeans and sweatshirt, she stepped one toe in and then her whole foot in, preparing herself for the temperature shock. She soon moved forward and kept walking, watching every moment as the water would crawl up her and eventually hit her black one-piece swimsuit.

She continues walking until the water is just up to her chest.

_You think the water doesn't judge you, but it does._

_Everyone is supposed to float, yes. But it's so much harder to stay that way if you're fat. _

_It's so much harder to have people see you when you're fat._

_You're fat._

And so she slips her head under the water after one large breath. She closes her eyes and feels the cool water create a constant pressure around her.

_You can silence the world, but you can't silence you._

_You can darken the world, but you still see you._

She keeps her eyes closed and she covers her ears. She lifts her feet from the lake floor and begins to sink slowly, barely.

It's not rational, but it works.

_Because sometimes, the logic doesn't make sense._

She feels her chest start to burn. She lifts her knees up to her chest so her back can hit the lake floor.

_But you accept it because it just feels right._

It's just simply right.

_You don't suspect._

_You don't know._

She's falling deeper now.

**END.**

_I hope you enjoyed. If you did, feel free to check out my other work. If you didn't, I have some other material that you may prefer. As always, please leave all of your Reviews! I truly adore them and they mean the world to me! Thanks for reading._


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